remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
