My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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