If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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