I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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