Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize