Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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