im drinking this country out of the recession.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
