party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
