guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
even my farts smell like vagina
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
