there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize