I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
