I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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