She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
