good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
