Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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