you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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