it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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