Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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