I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I understand Curling. That high.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
