Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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