My brain says no but my pants say off.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
PANTIES FOUND
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