First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just threw up on my dentist
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
