easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
