Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
