Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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