Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
