You really coming over, don't trick.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
