I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
