you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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