"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
