Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
