if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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