I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
