I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
