She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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