Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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