I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
