she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I deserve this hangover.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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