Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
