His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
