GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So vagazzling was a success
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
