This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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