The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
