I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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