So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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