so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
