if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
don't judge my taste in strippers
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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