I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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