My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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