my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
