You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
