she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
