Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
