Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
