if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
