I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
