I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
