ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
